Zurito

Brevity

You can now follow me at www.twitter.com/simonprichard, where every now and then I'll try to say something interesting or amusing in 140 cha

Trying to connect you

In July I wrote that mobile phone conversations are annoying not because they are loud or intrusive but because you can only hear one side of them. I thought this was a vaguely interesting and possibly original view. Now I discover that not only did the remarkable Language Log blog come up with a much more detailed and thoughtful opinion on the same point in 2003, but Mark Twain had done the groundwork in 1880, in a sketch called A Telephonic Conversation. So, I was only 129 years late on the uptake.

By the way, Language Log is now here - and well worth a visit. I've seen it described as where serious professional linguists go to have fun, but don't let that put you off.

Got on a lucky one

By now the boys from the NYPD choir have sung Galway Bay a few times and hopefully you're in the mood for tinsel and Quality Street. There's no escape, so you may as well plunge in.

Have a great time this Christmas, however you celebrate it. Although try to resist those Iceland frozen food platters (60 pieces of kebab meat and pastry for £5). Just because Jason Donovan and Thingy Nolan Sister sing about them doesn't mean they're any good.

On the other hand, if you're looking for a touch of class and the perfect present for the glamorous women (or men) in your life, buy a fascinator from this amazing designer. If you don't know what a fascinator is, find out and impress your friends.

Happy Christmas and all the very best for 2010. Hope to see you there.

All right, treacle?

Apologies to readers of my newsletter who may have already seen it, but I am compelled to share this example of toe-curling prose from a company called Treacle Moon. That's treacle as in the sickly sweet, extremely sticky black stuff that's hard to get off your skin and clothes. Anyway, among other "yummy'itious" detergent products, they make a hand cleaner called 'those lemonade days' (they love lower case names), which has the following line dominating the front of its plastic bottle:

"that warm sunny feeling... you know the one... when for no proper reason your tummy just goes all weird and you grin like a silly hen."

No, sorry, I don't. And in the unlikely event that I did, what the thundering trumpets would it have to do with washing my hands? To rub sodium laureth sulfate into the wound, Treacle Moon would have us believe that their company, which supplies Tesco, is run by "Charles Henry Nelson our rather random garden gnome whom we consult about all elements of creative and design... his lilac and yellow knitted socks are unusual but necessary... and there's Matilda Fizzbucket, our bubbly chemist who has a cat with turquoise whiskers and behind the scenes doing all the other stuff Sarah, Dunc and Penny."

Give me strength.

There's far too much to argue with here, but some punctuation would be nice for starters. I also like the way you can spot the agency-speak ("all elements of creative") through that gap in the twees.

By the way, if you'd like a copy of my monthly witterings by email, just let me know.

Your call is unimportant to us

"We apologise for the delay. We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls."

They've changed the bins round our way and there is confusion in the neighbourhood. I need to know when to put the bags out but the council website doesn't say, so I've spent a couple of days listening to a recorded voice.

During my fifteenth attempt to get through, I began to wonder why, as well as lying about my importance, they use such a ridiculous version of English. No-one in the history of telephony has experienced a high volume of calls. They've had a lot of calls, or the phones have been really busy, or they've been rushed off their feet blimey is that the time I haven't even had lunch yet, but there has been no experiencing and no volume, believe me.

So why the twaddle? Because it distances, abdicates, dehumanises. Let no-one suggest that there are so many calls because changing something as basic as rubbish collection affects loads of people. Many of whom will be confused, surprised or in need of more information, no matter how many explanatory pamphlets you push through their door. So you'll get more enquiries. To which the answer is more people to answer the phones, not a meaningless phrase you learned from the call centre handbook.

Which reminds me of a meeting I once had with a call centre consultant. He was perky enough but you could see his soul was sapped. Key '0' for redemption.

I'd like to teach the world to snig

Thanks to Tim Hayward on the Guardian website, I can now relax in the knowledge that Coke has launched a smaller can. And there was me thinking that the ones they've had on planes for the last 30 years were smaller, when in fact it was an optical illusion caused by the altitude making your body swell to twice normal size.

I reproduce Tim's reproduction of part of the press release:

"The Coca-Cola mini can is a great option for smaller thirst occasions, and for calorie-conscious consumers," said Hendrik Steckhan, president and general manager, Sparkling Beverages, Coca-Cola North America. "Our new sleek mini can supports the idea of moderation and offers people yet another way to enjoy their favorite Coca-Cola beverage."

Tim thinks this mangulation of English is beautiful and he's right that its commitment to non-commitment is curiously engaging ("smaller thirst occasions", "supports the idea of moderation"). But unless they really mean by sleek that the new can is smooth and glossy (as opposed to that unkempt, bristly can they used to sell), they are guilty of that old copywriting ruse of "getting the word wrong".

Mind you, I would quite like to be president, Sparkling Beverages. Or sparkling Beverages president. Or just occasionally sparkling would do.

Meanwhile, the best word I've learned this week is euphuism: an affected or high-flown style of writing or speaking. Can't wait to drop it into a conversation about someone else's copy. Oh the layers of self-referential wotsits.

Five for free too wan?

My brother David, who taught English in Spain for years, thinks we make learning a foreign language too complicated. He reckons it's daft to spend years at evening classes studying modal verbs and irregular plurals if all you want to do is get by on holiday. For the Spaniard learning English, "I thirsty," "Where station?" "Table two people," and "What time open?" do the job, thanks. Obviously if you're planning a career in international diplomacy or the works of T S Eliot, it may be wise to stretch a little further, but you get the idea. And having taught Spanish to people who were really only interested in reading menus and road signs, I agree with him. Learn lots of vocabulary and just enough grammar.

Despite approving of this practical approach, I still get exercised about English speakers using phrases that express the intended meaning but just get it wrong. Stephen Fry would not approve, but I can't help it. For example, I was peeved last week by the message on a packet of biscuits: "Get another pack for free!" What's the 'for' for? It makes the line longer and clumsier, and adds nothing. I can see the argument that if "for £10" and "for less" are OK, "for free" seems right too. But we wouldn't say "for cheap" or "for expensive", which are the real analogies.

Alas "for free" is everywhere: the OED includes it, albeit as a colloquialism; it was even on the front page of today's Guardian ("How to holiday for free"), despite that paper's own style guide. However, I was pleased to see that by lunchtime the Guardian website had "for nothing" instead, which is more solid and convincing.

Stephen would call me a pedant; my protests a soul-sucking waste of energy. He's almost right. Of course language changes - and thank Shakespeare for that. Disregard convention and you can still communicate clearly (as long as you have the judgment not to disregard too much). it just takes longer to trust you.

I could murder a cup of tea

12th September 2009, Guardian Weekend magazine, page 54. An advert for afternoon tea at the newly refurbished Langham Hotel:

"Palm Court's provenance for high tea transcends to new heights as The Langham, London springs to life to reveal the rewards of an exquisite metamorphosis. The original 'Grand hotel', where the quintessence of British service tradition assures that you will be swept off your feet."

When you charge £33 plus service for tea and cake, that's exactly the kind of writing you deserve.

Enough

I was nearly pushed over the edge by a word this week. Cascade, since you ask. How apt.

What grates most is that it's a lovely word. Cascade. It conjures up waterfalls and champagne towers and snaking lines of dominoes knocking each other over. All of which make the world a slightly better place. But cascade has been sullied. It has been seized on by people who can't bear to use a simple word like tell or send or forward. So now emails about parking spaces and expenses policy are sent with the instruction "cascade this to your team" - and centuries of clarity are sucked into a swamp of drivel.

And don't tell me that they use it because it suggests a fall or sequence and is therefore appropriate when you're communicating with subordinates. They use it because they think it makes them sound more important. It doesn't. It just gets in the way. So avoid it, boycott it and have a stern word with anyone who tries it. Thank you.

A right old carry on

At the weekend we went camping in Dorset, on the fabulous Jurassic Coast. It was absolutely lovely - an inspiring combination of natural beauty, good friends and cheap alcohol - although I confess to missing those little extravagances, like warm water and sleep. So on the way back up the M3, wedged into my seat by a bag of tent poles and nursing a dislocated shoulder, I was particularly susceptible to the lure of a slogan on the side of a lorry:

Glossop Caravans. Your new life starts here.

Five simple words made me think that caravanning might not be such a bad idea after all. Which shows that timing and a bit of imagination can achieve just about anything.