Zurito

Next time think it through

It's one of those workaday ads that usually pass you by, but for some reason I was drawn to a half-page full colour effort for Park Inn, which is a Radisson mid-market hotel brand. A young man in a jaunty cap and facial hair that whispers "I'm so now" looks directly at the camera, smiling the confident smile of someone who has life just where he wants it. A young woman in his embrace laughs euphorically, her face tilted towards the nourishing sun. This is their moment.

There is a graphic box with a multi-choice list of answers, but no question. We infer that the question is something along the lines of "What are these beautiful people celebrating?" because the options are: "a first date; a blind date; a Park Inn date." The tag line reads, "Hotels you can rely on: Park Inn by Radisson."

Which is fine until you think about it. A first date (or a blind date) in a mid-market hotel? It would be more convincing if one of the options was "A drunken one-night stand after the sales conference."

Then there is a second graphic box, which says "From £29". Now, if you're going on a "date" in a hotel that costs less than thirty quid, you either know each other extremely well and are saving up for a new sofa, or there is another financial transaction behind it.

Happily there is a third box. "You'll find Park Inn hotels a comfortable base for a getaway in over 20 UK destinations". The internet being a marvellous resource, I soon discovered that these include Heathrow, Watford, Walsall, Junction 1 of the M5, Doncaster, Harlow, Southend, Rotherham, Telford and Thurrock. So may I suggest a more convincing line? "If you ever get lucky in Harlow, we'll sort you out."

What's your number? I'll text you.

Promises, promises ...

A few months ago I wrote about how, in one area of its business at least, Innocent Drinks seems to hold fast to its stated 'values', for which it deserves lavish praise. Today I give you the other side of that coin in the shape of Linton Fuel Oils Ltd. Let's start with the home page of the Linton website:

"Linton Fuel Oils is a Fuel and Lubricants Distributor of which there are many - and there the comparison stops. We are unique amongst our peers, our service is unrivalled, as is our knowledge of the products we sell and the markets we operate in."

Quite a claim. There's more ...

"The ethos of the Company is one of trust, integrity, employee empowerment and the forging of caring customer relationships."

Sounds great. Unfortunately, I am one of Linton's customers and my experience was different. Here's my suggestion for some new wording:

"The ethos of the Company is one of avoiding responsibility; never apologising for failing to keep our promises; blaming the customer for our own failings; explicitly favouring 'screamers' over customers who are still being polite despite having paid for their oil a month ago; and using drivers who can't drive very well or use the telephone."

I don't expect you to feel my pain, but there is something exquisitely frustrating about listening to a different dimwit every day for two weeks explain that you are on the 'priority list' but they've been really busy. In any case, it's worth clicking on the 'About Us' section:

"The responses [...] are action-ed in our unique approach to the challenges via the manner in which we use of our intellectual base - our staff. Using methodologies of trust, delegation, employee empowerment, investment and incentive schemes the Company is evolving rapidly. Vaporous and louche attitudes have been expunged, replaced by creative ‘thought’ driven reasoning, erudite report analysis and an appetite for creativity and satisfaction.

The fore going is encapsulated in our ‘Social Capital’ – i.e. trust or community, such that working together becomes more efficient. This does not sit easily with the basic assumption of orthodox economic theory that people are self-interested animals. We find that altruism and selfishness preferences cannot explain the incentives for working as a community or team that we experience. Our staffs’ social skills, popularity and charisma will facilitate social capital. Our staff will invest in ‘Human Capital Wealth’ by acquiring skills and education fostered by the Company. The more the communal investment in social capital the more the staff stands to gain from it and as a consequence the Company."

Life is clearly too short for a word-by-word analysis of this bollocks, although I concede that their unhelpful staff were at no time vaporous or louche. Suffice it to say that Linton's "appetite for satisfaction" clearly extends only to its own vanity and not its customers' needs.

If you come across a more preposterous example of self-important, vapid drivel on a corporate website, please let me know. And above all, don't give Linton any of your money.

 

Everything we do is driven by our wish to help teachers bring out their students' full potential.

We share your values, are constantly listening to your needs, and strive to respond flexibly.

 

We:

• provide a wide variety of printed and electronic support materials
• offer face-to-face meetings with senior examiners
• work with publishing partners to develop reference materials for teachers and candidates
• have open lines of communication so you can ask us questions and tell us what you need.

We take our job very seriously and understand its impact on the future of each and every student.

An uncomfortable truth

I have no excuse for not posting since July, but I can explain. You see, I've had a revelation, an epiphany, a conversion ... and I just couldn't stir myself to blither on about misplaced apostrophes when I had something to confess.

Hi, I''m Simon and I'm a pedant. Until recently, I was the kind of person who shouts "fewer!" at the radio whenever someone uses "less" with a count noun; the kind who keeps a copy of Eats, Shoots and Leaves in the toilet; in other words, a prescriptivist. Someone who had paid attention in English lessons, tried to learn the rules and couldn't stand other people ignoring them.

Then I started reading a website written by people who study language for a living and, moreover, love it. The website is Language Log and it's brilliant. Often far too academic for me, but still brilliant. More importantly, it takes a descriptivist view of language, in that it seeks to describe how people actually use English (and numerous other languages - they are strikingly fond of Cantonese jokes, for example) rather than prescribing how they 'should' speak or write. This doesn't mean they don't care - far from it, they have clear views about correct usage - but they recognise that just because you have a pet peeve about the difference between 'imply' and 'infer' or the use of 'impact' as a verb or anything else that gets John Humphrys in a lather, doesn't mean it's wrong. The indisputable fact is that language has been evolving ever since it was one grunt for yes, two grunts for no, so trying to preserve it as it was the day you took your O-level makes no sense at all.

We don't have to like the many deviations English is constantly taking from the 'true' path as we knew it in 1980 (or 1970, or 1960 etc), but we have to accept them. This is, quite frankly, a liberation. It doesn't stop you speaking and writing as you choose - and it doesn't stop you criticising usage you don't think is helpful. But it does mean that you spend less time fuming like a red-faced buffoon at a golf club dinner.

So, first read this magnificent post about Simon Heffer's "ghastly, insufferable, obnoxious, appallingly incompetent book" about the correct way to write. Then read the reviews it links to. Then come and join me.

Computer says no

The theory of banking

A nice ad by BBH London:

Helping business turn the corner

It's important to remain upbeat in a downturn. It's a chance to re-evaluate, reinvigorate and even thrive. At Barclays Corporate, we're helping thousands of businesses prepare for a brighter future.

To find out how we can help, call 0800 014 1921 or visit www.barclaysturningthecorner.com

The practice of banking

I needed a new computer and decided a business loan might be the way forward. I rang my business account manager and found myself in a call centre queue. After a matter of minutes, I spoke to a nice young man. He asked me lots of detailed questions about my business and took me through a number of procedures, during which he tried to sell me credit checking services, incapacity insurance and data back-up facilities. After an hour we got to the nitty gritty, when he revealed that the (already eye-watering) interest rate would be topped up by a 'loan arrangement fee' of £250 which, on a loan of £2,000, added a mere 12.5% to the total. In order to discover whether I was to be permitted to enjoy the benefits of his employer's generosity, all I had to do was complete a paper application form and send proof of my house ownership (my mortgage is with the same bank). At this point (an hour and a quarter into the call), we were cut off.

Inexplicably I called back. I suppose I thought it would be rude not to say goodbye. I spoke to a nice young woman who, while trying to trace the nice young man, attempted to sell me the same three items. Finally I was reunited with the nice young man, who clicked a few more screens then sent me the form, which I put straight in the recycling.

I bought the computer on a credit card issued by another bank.

Not proven

I get this a lot. Someone asks me to look at their corporate tone of voice: "We want to be distinctive," they say, "and quirky. But not too quirky. We're professional and our customers might freak out if we sound like we have a personality."

"Fair enough," I say. "Distinctively quirky-ish like everyone else. No problem. Are there any websites you really like?"

Short pause. "Innocent Drinks."

Happens almost every time. In the last couple of years the organisations I know of who have wanted to sound like the UK's leading producer of liquidised bananas include a wireless networks provider, a respite care charity, an auctioneer, an exhibition organiser and an MOT garage in Northampton.

The question is why. Personally I'm not a great fan of the knowing cuteness that typifies Innocent's style, but it's expertly done and it works, so fine. But the reason it works isn't just that they have a brilliant copywriter; it's that they are properly committed to it.

Innocent says that its 'core principle' is to "create a business we can be proud of". Lots of companies would claim the same, but few as convincingly as Innocent. For example, hidden in a quiet corner of the Innocent site is a section called 'Lest we forget'. It is a list of everyone who used to work for them. There are hundreds of profiles, each one including a photo and 100+ words about the person's preferred breakfast, taste in men/women, fashion sense and so on. The tone is consistently cheerful and personal and you feel that, even if you were a student on a vacation stint in credit control, your colleagues would take the time to get to know you at least enough to write a convincing summary of your foibles. It's the kind of thing that seems like a great idea for the first couple of weeks and then gets forgotten. Innocent has done it uninterrupted for eleven years.

My point is, if you want to sound like Innocent, that's the kind of thing you have to do. Not necessarily list every ex-employee on your website, but decide what your principles are and stick to them. If you can't stick to them, get new principles. So feel free to talk about how it's your people who make you better than your competitors. But make sure you can back it up, like Innocent does.

Mainstreaming sustainable drivel

I wrote a thing in my newsletter about the Local Government Association (LGA), which apparently issues an annual list of words and phrases that local authorities should avoid using. This year it included 'uplifting' (presumably not in relation to a jolly good hymn), 'capturing' (ditto escaped zoo animals) and 'safeguarding' (no idea). I had never given much thought to the the activity or point of the LGA, but this cast a positive light. Sadly it dimmed after only a couple of clicks, when I reached the 'About LGA' section of their website:

"We work closely with our member authorities [...] to deliver our shared vision of an independent and confident local government sector where local priorities drive public service improvement in every city, town and village and every councillor acts as a champion for their ward and the people they represent."

It's good to know that ridding the world of jargon is all about delivering a shared vision, driving improvement and acting as a champion.

But it's depressing to realise that this gibberish has become so commonplace that it is now invisible, even to an organisation that campaigns against it.

My partner opted for the salmon

I was clearing the garage and found a 1965 edition of Eric Partridge's Usage and Abusage: A Guide to Good English. Mr Partridge takes no nonsense when it comes to language: his prescriptivist approach includes two pages on the correct use of shall and will, and the observation that congener is "a word imperfectly understood by many". I'm with you there, Eric.

One of his best entries is on elegancies, defined as "those words and phrases which the semi-literate and far too many of the literate believe to be more elegant than the terms they displace." Here are a few examples: aroma, attire, beverage, collation, goodly, gratis, imbibe, libation, modicum, partake of, peruse, post-prandial, repast, viands and victuals. Which at least explains the curious style adopted by local newspaper restaurant critics, who clearly have to pass an elegancy test before being issued with the company Visa card.

Eric died in 1979, but I wonder what elegancies he would have included in a 2010 edition? I'm starting with challenge, competencies, leverage, methodology and, of course, strategy. In fact I think I shall write a complete list of them. I mean, I will write a list. Hang on ...

I'm just the guy who does the thing

It can be difficult to get The West Wing out of your head ...

Series 1. "Mr Willis of Ohio," written by Aaron Sorkin, directed by Christopher Misiano.

At an after-hours poker game in the White House, President Bartlet is indulging his annoying habit of testing senior staff on their general knowledge.

* * * * *

BARTLET: There are fourteen punctuation marks in Standard English grammar. Can anyone name them please?

CJ: Period.

JOSH: Comma.

MANDY: Colon.

SAM: Semicolon.

JOSH: Dash.

SAM: Hyphen.

LEO: Ah ... apostrophe.

BARTLET: That's only seven. There are seven more.

TOBY: Question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parentheses, braces and ellipses.

CJ: Ooh.

JOSH: Wow!

TOBY: Do you call the raise sir?

BARTLET: There are three words, and three words only, in the English language that begin with the letters 'dw'.

JOSH: This is a pretty good illustration of why we get nothing done.

* * * * *

If you relish brilliant writing and can cope with the odd foray into grammar geekery, buy the West Wing box set and don't leave the house until you've watched it all.

The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.

Big Block of Cheese Day

The West Wing, series 2. "Somebody's going to emergency, somebody's going to jail," written by Paul Redford and Aaron Sorkin, directed by Jessica Yu.

It's Big Block of Cheese Day (don't worry, it doesn't matter) and Toby Ziegler, the White House Communications Director, has grudgingly agreed to meet a group of globalisation protestors. They can't keep quiet long enough to listen to him, so Toby runs his argument past the policewoman who has been assigned to protect him.

* * * * *

TOBY: You want the benefits of free trade? Food is cheaper.

SACHS: Yes.

TOBY: Food is cheaper, clothes are cheaper, steel is cheaper, cars are cheaper, phone service is cheaper. You feel me building a rhythm here? That's 'cause I'm a speechwriter and I know how to make a point.

SACHS: Toby ...

TOBY: It lowers prices, it raises income. You see what I did with 'lowers' and 'raises' there?

SACHS: Yes.

TOBY: It's called the science of listener attention. We did repetition, we did floating opposites and now you end with the one that's not like the others. Ready? Free trade stops wars. And that's it. Free trade stops wars! And we figure out a way to fix the rest! One world, one peace. I'm sure I've seen that on a sign somewhere.

SACHS: God, Toby ... Wouldn't it be great if there was someone around here with communication skills who could go in there and tell them that?

TOBY: Shut up.

* * * * *

If there's an entertainment programme to rival The West Wing as a celebration of language, learning, writing and argument, I'd love to see it.

The West Wing and all its characters are property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended.

This cardboard tastes like pizza

I'm not a big fan of the takeaway pizza. Call me picky, but I prefer eating from kitchens where the most important equipment is not a moped. It's like buying your lunch from Boots, which is, in case you hadn't noticed, a chemist. Mmm ... this chicken and Bonjela sandwich is yummy.

More surprisingly, neither is David Brandon, who used to be the CEO of Domino's. David recently said, "The weakness in our value chain with the customer was really in our core product," which is about as close to English as a Domino's House Special Tandoori Chicken is to a pizza napoletana.

David's ex-colleagues clearly understood what he meant though, and they have set out to make better pizza by using a different sauce recipe and, incredibly, cheese. Whatever next? You can see their mea culpa ad here, but try not to cry when the chef finds out what people really think of his food.

By the way, David's career took a sharp turn when he left Domino's. He is now the athletic director at the University of Michigan, whose alumni include Michael Phelps. By total medal count, Michigan would be the 26th most successful country in the history of the Summer Olympics.

(Wikipedia often comes in handy.)